Scars of the Past (Loki x reader)

You groaned as you sat on your bed and stared at the calendar that hung on your wall. There were only three days left until Tony’s birthday bash and all the Avengers, including you, had agreed to be there. His events were always fun and entertaining, but Tony had insisted he wanted to see you in a dress for his birthday. He was a good friend and even if he had said it to be a flirt, you couldn't deny him a birthday request. There was a problem, however. Ever since a certain incident a while back, you never showed your back because it had scars now. All your current dresses showed your back, so those wouldn't work. You supposed you could go buy a new dress, but it was so boring to shop by yourself and Natasha was busy.

You made a frustrated noise and heaved your pillow at the calendar. It struck the wall with a dull thud and fell to the floor. A head poked into your room upon hearing the noise. Loki’s gaze darted between the fallen pillow and crooked calendar before moving to your face. “Is something wrong?”

“Yes! I have nothing to wear!” You wrapped your arms around your legs and laid your forehead on your knees.

You could hear soft footfalls and then the bed shifted under Loki’s weight as he sat. There was a puzzling tone in his voice as he spoke. “What is wrong with the garb you currently wear?”

Of course Loki didn't know you were thinking about the party. How could he? With a sigh, you lifted your head to gaze at the trickster. It was so strange. When Loki had first arrived around a year ago after the attack on New York, the others had tolerated Loki’s presence at the Tower due to Fury’s order that Loki would stay there. The Avengers had proven they could handle him and Fury thought that, given the time, Loki could be a valuable asset. Upon the decision, everyone would basically give Loki the cold shoulder, with occasional glares from them and snide comments from Tony to mix it up. You, however, acted even worse with the god of mischief. If he came in a room you were in, you would gather your things and hurriedly leave. If you walked into a room Loki was in, you'd turn around and leave. It was only when you were explaining a TV show to Thor and Loki quietly walked in that you finally had the courage to stay in the same room. Thor had squeezed your shoulder and given you a patient look as you continued with your explanation. It was true you were still ignoring Loki, but you were at least staying in the same room with him, which was progress. You were a brave, capable, and strong person, but the team knew why you acted so skittish around Loki and were understanding. After a while had passed, you slowly grew more at ease around Loki and soon you two were close friends.

“(Name)?” Loki’s voice snapped you out of your thoughts. He wore a worried expression on his face.

You sighed. “I'm sorry. I was talking about Tony’s party. It’s formal wear, which means a dress, but I can't wear any of mine.”

He looked to your closet where your few dresses had been pulled out and tossed aside in irritation. “Those look fine to me. Why can you not simply wear one of those?”

You bit your lip as you thought about that. The team knew why you never showed your back anymore, but Loki didn't. You couldn't tell him about that. Not ever. “Because they don't fit and Tony asked me to wear a new one anyway.” Your answer was lame, but hopefully it'd be acceptable to him. Loki trusted you and rarely suspected you to be lying to him after all.

He nodded as if it made perfect sense. “Can you not purchase a new dress?”

“Of course I can. I just need to go to the mall.”

He frowned. “I fail to see the problem then. Why do you not simply go to the mall and purchase one?”

“Because it’s no fun to go by myself.”

Loki smiled and nodded as if he had decided something. “Then I shall accompany you.”

You blinked at him. Going to the mall with Loki? It’d kinda be like a date. Yes, it was true you had been insanely nervous around Loki when he had first come to live at the Tower, but you two had grown so close you had actually developed a bit of a crush on him. “Sure.” A smile appeared on your lips. “Sounds like fun.”

~~~~~

As Loki walked with you through the immense building, he wondered what had come over him. He would occasionally glance at you, watching your enthusiasm as you pointed out certain things or explained stores to him. Your gaze constantly traveled and you were nearly bouncing in excitement. The truth was he enjoyed any time he got to spend with you. At first he had shrugged off your nervousness, not really caring, but from time to time he'd catch you interacting with the others. You were gentle and kind and he soon found himself caring for you. Once you two became friends, he found his feelings deepening more and more until he was nearly always flustered in your presence.

“Oh! Let’s try this one!” You took Loki’s hand, pulling him into the store, unaware of the blush creeping into his cheeks at your hand in his. For a moment, he wondered if passerby that saw the two of you holding hands, you in your pretty clothes and himself in his casual Midgardian garb, might mistake you two for a couple on a date. The thought made him smile.

The two of you spent several minutes looking through the racks for dresses in your size. You'd politely and casually turn down any that Loki suggested with an open back, but would agree to any besides those that he showed you. Before long, you were headed to the changing room, arms overflowing with material. With a grunt, you heaped the dresses on the changing room’s bench and pointed to a chair for Loki. “Sit!”

He raised an eyebrow. “Pardon?”

“Well, you're not coming in here with me and I need your opinion on how they look, so you can't go wandering off. Now, sit!” With a smile, you darted back into the dressing room, yanking the curtain closed.

Loki stared at the curtain before walking over and patiently taking a seat. Slowly, you worked through the dresses, getting Loki’s opinion and looking in the full-length mirror propped up outside the changing rooms. A handful of dresses later, neither of you had decided on a dress. With a sigh, you disappeared behind the curtain again to change back into your own clothes. “Loki? Can you hang up these dresses for me while I get changed? Pretty please?” Your arm shot out from behind the curtain holding the dresses. Loki took the dresses and his eyes noticed a bright color out of the corner of his eye. He glanced and saw the bright shade of your bra strap right at the narrow opening. Quickly, Loki moved out to the rest of the store.

He walked between the racks, trying to clear his flustered mind and went about hanging up the dresses until one suddenly caught his eye. Hurriedly, Loki put back the rest of the dresses and snatched up the one that had caught his eye. It was your size and his favorite color. He’d love to see you wearing it.

As he returned, you were just coming out of the room, back in your regular clothes. Your eyes darted to the dress in his hand and you raised an eyebrow at him. “Find something?”

“Yes.” His voice was breathless as he pictured you in the dress. “Please try this one, (Name).”

Your eyes saw the lack of material in the back and you frowned. “I don't know, Loki. It…”

“Please just try it.” His eyes looked at you pleadingly. “You will look beautiful. I know it.”

“Alright…” You took the dress from him and slipped back into the room. Why was Loki so worked up over this dress? Yeah, it was pretty, but still. Though for him to call you beautiful… A shy smile slipped onto your lips at the thought.

Once it was on, you had to admit you did look pretty good. The dress was an emerald green with thin trailing lines of glittering gold down the skirt of it and small waves of it on the waist. It fell in a simple gown style, a small cut out for your leg on the left side. It tied behind your neck, emphasizing your chest and exposing all of your back. You glanced in the mirror hesitant. It did look amazing if not for the back. Maybe you could get a shawl or jacket?

“How does it look?” Loki’s voice drifted to you and you smiled at the eagerness in it.

You frowned as you admired yourself in the mirror. It really was gorgeous and Loki had been really excited for this dress, but sadly the back was an issue. “It’s pretty, but I don't think it’s the one.”

“Really...?” His voice sounded so disappointed... “Can I see before you change?”

You bit your lip nervously. The dress really was so beautiful...what would be Loki’s reaction? For a moment, you were torn between the worry of if Loki saw your back and the excitement of Loki seeing how nice you looked.

With a nervous breath, you slipped out of the curtain as your desire to see Loki’s reaction at the dress won out. You smiled shyly at Loki. His eyes went perfectly round and he stood up. “(Name)...you look amazing....” The mischief god’s voice was hushed in amazement as he looked you up and down.

A slight blush warmed your cheeks. “Thanks, Loki.”

He frowned, a confused look crossing his features. “Why do you not like it, again?”

“It’s just...not me…” Your voice wavered unconvincingly.

Loki’s brow furrowed in determination as he approached you and took your shoulders, guiding you to the mirror. He leaned down, whispering in your ear. His warm breath on your skin sent a shiver down your spine. “Look at yourself... You look beautiful. There is no question that it suits you.” He stepped back to admire you in the dress, but you didn't have time to turn and hide your back. In the mirror, you watched as Loki’s expression went from awe to sudden horror, eyes widened as they fell on your back. “(Na...Name)...?” His voice trembled as he reached forward, fingertips lightly grazing over the scar tissue. “What...what happened to your back…?” Any other time you would have let out a delighted noise at his hands on your skin, but right now you were too focused on his horrified expression to enjoy his touch.

His fingers lightly traced a thick, jagged line across your back. This scar he knew. Fury had decided to send the pair of you on an intelligence retrieval mission as Loki’s first mission. It had gone well, except Loki was too cocky, not staying alert. He hadn't even noticed one of the guards enter the room behind him, raising what looked like a barbed whip. The man had raised the weapon and you yelled Loki’s name, knocking him to the ground as the whip flew through the air. It flew right through the spot where Loki’s neck had been seconds before. The weapon was deadly enough it may have decapitated even the god of mischief. Instead, as you knocked Loki out of the way, it collided with your back. A scream ripped from your throat as the barbs tore at your skin. You fell on Loki, a whimpering and bloody mess, gasping at the pain. Loki had hurriedly taken the man out and rushed you back to the headquarters along with the intelligence. He had insisted on tending to your back, but you adamantly refused. You had shuffled off to your room and awkwardly bandaged your back, but the angle was tough and soon small drops of crimson were leaking through your t-shirt. Loki had watched in worry until Natasha, the first Avenger to return to the nearly empty tower, had gotten back and he explained everything. With a sigh, she had lead you off to tend to your injury with only a small fuss from you. He was left feeling confused as to why you refused to let him help you, but hadn't resisted Natasha’s help. “This scar...is my fault…” The skin was puckered and a shade off compared to the rest of your skin, but beneath the jagged line were many older scars. He could tell by the color of them that they had happened a while ago and all probably around the same time. His fingers ghosted over each mark in turn. “How...how did the rest happen…?”

You swallowed nervously. Of course you had seen in the mirror before and it really could have been a lot worse, but to someone seeing it for the first time you could understand how their reaction would be complete shock. “There was an accident.” His eyes didn't leave your back as you spoke. “I got hurt, burned and injured badly by some falling rubble when I was leaving a building.” You turned and raised your eyes up to his, hands coming up to rest on his chest. “It’s alright, though. I had been picking up the daughter of one of my best friends from kindergarten when the building began to fall apart. No one could have predicted it. She would have been killed, so I covered her and got hit instead. Yeah, I have these scars now, but she’s alright at least. The same with the scar I got from our first mission together. It’s worth it because I was able to protect the people I care about. Don't be upset…please...” Before you even knew what you were doing, you had leaned up and pressed a soft kiss to Loki’s cheek. He tensed in surprise, but then his arms slid around you as he smiled, a faint blush dusting his cheeks.

The moment was sweet, but over all too fast. “Alright.” His expression was gentle as he gazed down at you. “I still really believe that is the dress for you, my dear.”

You grinned up at him. “Fine, but if I buy it then you're treating me to ice cream!”

He chuckled. “Deal.”

~~~~~

Three days later, you as well as the rest of the Avengers and Loki were at Tony’s birthday party that he had, of course, thrown for himself. Your (h/c) hair cascaded in waves, tied back with a ribbon to match your emerald dress. Loki had been steadily working on getting the courage to ask you to dance when Tony approached you.

“Whoa…” He looked you up and down, sparking jealousy in the trickster. “You look hot, babe. Wanna dance with the birthday boy?”

You giggled, taking his hand. “Sure, Tony.” The billionaire led you onto the dance floor, leaving Loki to watch longingly as you spun in circles with Tony. His eyes narrowed in annoyance as he saw Tony rest a hand on your waist and take your hand as the song changed. He pulled you close and Loki’s insides twisted as he watched Tony lean in close to whisper something to you, making you laugh.

Something was nagging at him in the back of his mind, though. The story of how the building just collapsed. It didn't make sense. Buildings didn't simply collapse like a house of cards and you hadn't mentioned an earthquake or similar cause for the building’s sudden collapse. Something just didn't add up.

“Enjoying the party?” Natasha came over, wearing a black cocktail dress and transparent shawl, to stop at Loki’s side, watching you dance with Tony as well.

“More than I anticipated, I suppose.” His eyes didn't leave you as a thought occurred to him. Natasha was your closest friend beside him, closer in some areas even. Maybe she would have an answer for him. “Those scars on (Name)’s back...how did she receive them?”

“If she wants you to know, I'm sure she’ll tell you.” Natasha replied calm and cool as always, yet something about her tone made Loki suspicious.

He glanced at the spy. “Do you know?”

“Yes.” This made Loki’s brow furrow in confusion when Natasha spoke again, a touch of anger in her voice. “Everyone on the team knows.” With that, she turned and walked off. Loki watched through the crowd as she grabbed Clint’s hand and pulled him onto the dance floor, much to the archer’s surprise.

Everyone knew? Everyone except for him? His gaze shifted back to you as Tony twirled you around. At the store and that time you were injured, you had insisted on not letting him and only him see your back. Why? He thought back to once when the Avengers had gone to the beach. Your bathing suit was a one-piece and it had accidentally gotten ripped before you could change into it. Natasha had offered you a spare bikini she had brought, but you had politely declined. Glumly, you had sat on the sand and watched everyone else have fun in the surf. You tried to smile and be happy for the others, but it was clear you were upset on missing out. Tony had glared at Loki when he saw your expression. “She shouldn't have to miss out. It’s not fair.” He had shoved past Loki, calling out to Steve if he wanted to play water volleyball. The trickster stared after the playboy in confusion. Tony had made it seem directed at Loki, as if it was his fault you couldn't go have fun.

Loki drew himself out of the memory, thinking more into the issue. You didn’t seem terribly focused on the occasional murmur or gesture your back gotten out of people. That wasn't the issue.

He had seen you in pictures wearing bikinis and halter tops or the dresses in your closet. They all had open backs. In fact, he had seen you in a picture in an open back dress from Tony’s birthday party from last year…

Loki’s eyes went wide as he realized why you didn't want him to see your back.

Over a year ago, you had been alright showing your back to people, right before he joined the team. You refused to show him your back, even when you were injured, because of him no less, and you had been so distanced with him when he first joined the team. He was the only one that didn't know how you had been hurt. Tony had made it sound like his fault. Lastly, you had said it was because of a building falling.

He raced through the crowd searching for an Avenger, any Avenger that he could talk to. Tony was kissing your hand before passing you off to Clint to dance with. Loki was vaguely aware of Natasha and Bruce dancing somewhere to his far right. Thor was laughing loudly with a few men by the bar. Finally, he saw Steve by himself and grabbed his shoulder, spinning the man around. He didn't even waste time with formalities before breathlessly asking the super soldier his question. “What happened to (Name)‘s back?!”

Steve looked at him startled, but then his gaze shifted away uncomfortably. “It’s not my story to tell, Loki.”

“It’s because of me, isn't it?”

Steve looked back at him and saw the desperate look in the man’s eyes. “It might…”

Loki swallowed. “Was it...was it because of the attack on New York…?”

For a moment, Steve said nothing. His eyes widened at Loki’s having figured it out, but that was all. Then he nodded. “Yes, Loki.” The man clamped a hand on the the other man’s shoulder and gave him a sympathetic look. “But you two are close friends now. She’s forgiven you. You know that.”

Loki knew that, he really truly did, but the nervous look in your eyes you'd always given him when he first arrived kept flashing in his head. It all made sense now. He closed his eyes. Because of him, you'd have to wear those scars for the rest of your life. It was because of his weakness you had to bear this burden, yet you were strong in keeping the truth from him. You didn't want him getting hurt and always went out of your way to make it so.

Loki headed for the exit, blindly moving through the crowd, too upset to focus enough and use magic to teleport away. Steve called after him, but it was just a faint buzz in his ear. He needed to get out now. You shouldn't have to see him more. You shouldn't have to be around him any longer…

~~~~~

As you finished dancing with Clint, a movement in the crowd caught your eye. You saw Loki hurrying toward the exit and you could quickly tell he was upset. Clint followed your gaze and nodded. “Go on.”

You gave him a grateful smile before you pulled up your skirt and raced after Loki, determined to catch him. Once you got outside, you saw he was already at the base of the steps, too far away to catch. You hurried down the steps in your heels, desperate to catch your friend before he was gone, and yelled to him. “LOKI!!” He turned and saw your approach, pausing so you could slow and wouldn't fall. Loki didn't want to force you to be in his presence any longer, but he also didn't want you to fall and get hurt. You looked at him breathlessly as you stopped a step from the bottom so you were eye level with the god of mischief. “What...what’s wrong…?” It was only then that you saw his rapid blinking and watery eyes as if he was fighting tears. “Loki? What happened? Did someone say something? You know you're allowed at the party just as much as anyone else.”

Loki’s heart ached. Here he was, upset over what had happened to you because of him, and you were still worried about him. “I know...” He choked out the words, voice raspy as he fought the tears he felt brimming. “I know why you didn't want me to see your back...”

A frown crossed your face. “Well, yeah. Who would want to see scars like these? They’re not very…”

“No.” He cut you off, staring broken heartedly into your eyes. “I know I am the reason you have those scars. It is because of when I attacked New York. I was weak. I was a fool that was jealous of his brother and because of that you were injured and have to always wear those scars. I do not blame you if you hate me. You're an excellent agent, so of course you followed orders and helped me, but you do not have to anymore. I know why you were afraid of me when we first met and I understand.” He closed his eyes, a tear breaking free to glide down his skin. Loki wasn't sure which was worse, knowing he had caused you such pain and given you such a burden or the fact that now you had no obligations to him and he would lose you, the woman he loved. He waited to hear your heels click back up the steps to go dance with Tony who oogled you, or Steve who blushed at your dress, or one of the many others who surely found you as beautiful as he did. Loki waited for the moment he lost you for good.

To his surprise and utter amazement, he felt your hand against his cheek, brushing the tear away. “Loki. Look at me.” Your voice was gentle, but firm and he obediently opened his eyes to gaze into your sad (e/c) ones. “I'm not going anywhere, Loki. Yes. It’s true. What I said about how it happened is true, but I did leave out the part about the building falling because of your attack.” Your hand cupped his cheek, thumb stroking his skin. “I’m not your friend because of an obligation, though. I'm your friend because I want to be.” You leaned closer to him. “I'm here because I want to be. I'm here because....” Your words were a whisper against his mouth. “...I love you…” Then you had pressed your lips to his in a tender kiss.

Loki’s head swam as he lost himself in the kiss. Finally, he pulled back to look at you in confusion. “You don't hate me?” You shook your head, curls swaying with the movement. “You love me?” Your head bobbed in a nod, shy smile appearing on your face. “Why?”

A delighted giggle escaped your lips. “You're asking why I love you?”

“I'm asking why you love me, despite what I've done.”

You frowned, resting your hands on his shoulders. “We all make mistakes. Natasha is my best friend and she’s done some awful things in her day. People can learn from their mistakes and change.” Your hands found his and guided his hands to your back. “Yes. I have these scars now, but they're from the old you. The new Loki is the one I love.”

His heart raced at the closeness and the feel of your soft skin under his hands. It was slightly raised and bumpy in some spots, but soft nonetheless and he had no desire to take his hands off your soft skin. “How did I get so lucky?”

You smiled at him. “Maybe you were due some good luck for a change.”

He nodded and offered a small smile in return. “I was lucky enough to have the woman I love love me back. I approve if this is all the luck I receive in a lifetime.”

Now it was your turn to be surprised. “You love me?”

“Yes.” He smiled at you. “I love you.” He leaned in to steal another kiss before resting his forehead on yours. “I'm sorry about your scars.”

“It’s alright. Besides, in our line of work we get scars. I'm just glad now I know you love me and you know about them. I don't have to hide them anymore. Plus, my mom really would like me to wear her wedding dress someday and it shows most of the back.”

Loki chuckled, a faint blush dusting his cheeks at where your thoughts had gone. “Getting a little ahead of ourselves, love?”

You grinned up at the man you loved. “Hey, the scars of the past can't hold me back anymore.” With that, you threw your arms around his neck and kissed him deeply before the two of you began to sway to the music that drifted from inside the building. As Loki held you close, he swore never to let you get hurt like that again. He loved you and wanted only to see you smile toward the future, not be dragged down by the past ever again, and he would do the same, by your side.